I Was Sexually Assaulted When I Was 5

2020....was quite a year for me, it was pretty much like riding a rollercoaster (which I absolutely hate). And it was absolutely not just because of the pandemic, but one of the main reason was i just confess my deepest secret to my dearest family.

Intro

If you know me, you might notice that I'm friendly but I'm also a very private person. I mean I love talking and hanging out with everybody. But I don't have a lot of friends, and my circle is so small. And I'm the kind of person who put my wall high, and I didn't let people see my vulnerable side. And the only person I told "almost" everything was my sister, my mom and sometimes my dad.

I also didn't share my personal stories often to my friends, I didn't post my personal issue on social media. But when i decided to told my friends about it, most of them were completely shock, LOL. Because they think my life went just perfectly fine. They never saw me cry, post anything about my problem, my broken heart story, and many other issues *but this was completely different when I was in high school, I was a total bucin LOL, but I'm still didn't have a lot of friends Haha*

But even i am very close to my sister and my parent, there was one thing I kept to myself since I was very little but I just can keep it anymore. I was telling them something that is very personal and very terrible.

And these kind of thing should never happened to any kids anywhere in this world. And this was very personal and honestly very hard for me. But I am ready to share my story to the world, to empower people who when trough the same thing.

WARNING: TRIGGERING CONTENT

Brace yourself, this is a very sensitive subject. Before I'm going to tell my story, I going to put a disclaimer.

First, this subject is very sensitive it contains disturbing information about sexual assault to a minor, so if you have a problem or trauma in handling this kind of information, I suggest you not read or maybe you can ask someone to assist you.

This story was a real experience from my perspective and not fiction.

Please keep in mind that the purpose of my sharing this story is not to seek attention or emotional support.

The main purpose is to empower people who been through the same thing, to inform people so that hopefully this thing will never happen again to any children in the whole world or at least within my circle.

And I use English so that I reach more audiences. Hopefully, I can post this story in two versions one in English and one in Bahasa.

It Started a Few Days Ago

When my sister and I were laying in our bed, it was afternoon and my mom and my dad were out delivering "bakso" to customers. My sister told me her friend's story about their traumatic experiences. And this triggered me to tell her mine.

I actually already wrote a note on my phone with the title "confession" and I planned to send her those "confession" via WhatsApp because I thought that I could never tell her in person. And I didn't seem to ever find the right time, because I'm afraid she might cry in her office or in the street when she read my message. But instead, I found the right time, to tell her in person, in our house when we were alone. I also thank her friend because of her I finally found the courage to tell her mine.

The Perfect Childhood

When I was five, I lived in my Family's House in Jakarta. I lived there since I was 1. The house was big. The Half Part of the first floor was where I lived with my mom, dad, sister, and 2 helpers (I call them mbak) at that time. The house area has a 3-bed room and half of the first floor and the entire second floor was used for office and workshop. The worker lived on the second floor, my dad work in that office every day with my uncle (his brother) in the office area.

So the house was full of people many people. I slept in the front bedroom, and I slept with my "mbak" since I was one. My sister slept with my mom and dad, and the other mbak slept in her own room.

Dad

My dad was in the office most of the time, sometimes he went outside. So every time I caused a problem or made my sister cry, he can always come to check on us. Or if I refuse my mbak that tried to feed me, he can come right away to tell me and my sister to eat, hahaha. And he is the most fun person I've known. He always told me the story of "Deni Manusia Ikan" or "Gundala Putra Petir" from the magazine I forgot the name before I went to bed. But every time the story ends,  I always asked for more stories. So he made up a new story just to make me sleep. My dad who also inspire me to do taekwondo, always bought me to the training place. So when I was 5, I asked him to join tae kwon do hahaha.

MOM

My mom.........was the best woman I have ever known on the whole planet, she always make sure I get the best and wish nothing but me and my sister happiness, she is the most selfless person in the entire world. She is working, but she was making sure me and my sister were taking care of her, she will walk me and my sister to our kindergarten, make our lunch box, put our clothes on, and prepare our books, even though we had 2 helpers at that time. So does when she came home. She was never busy with her life, we would sit in our living room watching TVs or movies with us, helped us with our homework, and many other things.

My mom and dad always make time for me if there was an event in the kindergarten, she will take a day off if were sick and was always there for us. I and my sister were lucky to have them as a parent. Me and my sister only a year apart and we were very very very close. And we both had the best environment, family, and also education. And I'm blessed for that.

Even though I seem to have a perfect childhood. There is one thing that you guys didn't know.

It was someone I knew, a family friend, not a stranger, but a monster.

My dad has had a Male Best Friend since he was little and he became the family friend. I consider him as my own uncle and we all are very close. He likes to come to my house. He is also my private English teacher.

What I remembered,

he had touched "my private part" yes my "vagina"

(I cringe so hard writing this part).

But at that young I didn't understand what happened and I didn't even know that it was wrong.

I can say I was a bold and very critical 5 years old, and I remembered asking him

"What is this fo ?

"Why are we doing this? "

Manipulative Bastar*

But he made up a reason "that I couldn't seem to remember" and somehow I agree with him, but I didn't remember being afraid. And every time he did a filthy thing, someone will come near me and he stops. He literally slide his hand inside my pants or skirt and that had me a little suspicious. I was thankful that the house was crowded so he never had many chances to do what he did.

One other thing, I remember he suddenly inside the house, I didn't know what his business but my dad was not in the house, and my mbak want to take me to my room for a nap, and he asked to accompany me instead and did that again with the door open, so no one will be suspicious.

And I insist I want to tell my dad because it was uncomfortable, but he begged me not to tell or my dad will be furious.

Since then I didn't even want to go near him, but I couldn't figure out what was wrong because I didn't understand back then.

I also remember he told me to wear miniskirts instead of long pants, I begged my dad and insisted that I want to wear long pants. (What a monster)

And that was the only, clear memory I had when I was a child. And I didn't remember exactly how many times he did that or what clothes I wore or what date that happened. But I remember it was not for a long period. Maybe around period 1 month he did that disgusting thing a couple of times.

And then not long after that incident me and my family moved to Bogor and he moved somewhere so we never met again.

How do I know I was assaulted when I was that young?

Of course, I didn’t find out right away, because I was too young. I didn’t understand it was an assault because I didn’t even know about sexuality at that age. But I still remember that incident until I was in the 3rd grade.

I started to know about sexuality, I hang out with an older girl, and they talk about porn, I didn’t watch it at that age but I get an explanation that it was a woman and men naked in the same bed together (I was Shocked back then), I understand about rape from the news, or pedophile, even my knowledge about sexuality was not complete but I started to understand.

My parent also started to teach us about sexual education, it was not perfect but they did teach us as we grow older. How is someone not supposed to touch our private part and we can’t date boys LOL?

So from that knowledge, I was trying to figure out my self, what happened to me. I remember I tried to deny it as much as i can.

Because the thought about it made me want to throw up, and I felt dirty, I felt so wrong.

I remember that was one part of my life when I cried alone while figuring out what was happening.

I was lucky that I was surrounded with good people that support me, that thought me strength, kindness, and so much knowledge.

So, in my teenage I can finally, accept what happened and told myself:

It was not my fault

I was not dirty

I was a victim

I was too young

I am strong

What happened to me does not define who I am as a person right now.

All that long I kept it to my self because I was afraid. I was afraid I would disappoint my parent and made them cry.

So, why do I confess right now?

That incident was 19 years ago, so why now? I already told you guys at the beginning that one of the reasons that triggered me was my sister friend's.

But there's also one more thing that, really urge me to confess. And the reason was :

" That monster came back into our life "

One afternoon I go for a jog with my dad, and he suddenly told me that "the monster was visited our house" . I immediately refuse and I said to my dad I'm going to my friend's house first. Because I didn't want to met him. I thought he only came one time, but instead he came 3 times a weeks, because he need my dad help to sell his product in our neighborhood. And of course my dad willing to help him without expecting anything in return. And I was furious, that person pretended he did nothing to me,  betrayed my parent and always asking for help every time he need.

So at that moment i decide to tell them, but it was a struggle for me. It was the hardest things I ever done in my life.

To be Continue .....